This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
