U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
