just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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