I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
