I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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