His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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