No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
is it fun? or sober?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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