If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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