the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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