I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
