my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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