he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's shark week go big or go home
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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