You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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