did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
