somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
