Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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