he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
