I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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