mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
