He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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