It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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