You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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