did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
