The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let the clothes fall where they may.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
