70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
When are your genitals available?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
