i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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