once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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