There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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