True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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