Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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