I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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