allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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