I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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