Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
