Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
