Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
