ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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