peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He passed out mid-signature
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
