My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
