Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize