I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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