Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
