The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
