hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Floor bacon is actually really good
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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