did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
