I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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