Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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