put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
