Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
