6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
FUCK WHALES
True college students do jello shots in the library
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