You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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