just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
