I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
