My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
