Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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