I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The uberlube is also flammable
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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