Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize