its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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