On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
